In what may be a regular column, the author uses his DVR to condense WWE Raw into an efficient, digestible television program. Segments are graded simply, as "nothing" or "something". The more "something", the better for all of us.
Welcome to the last Raw before Hell In A Cell, a pay per view I think would be more accurately referred to as, "How Will WWE Get Itself Out Of This One?"
8:28PM - DVR ENGAGE!
Segment 1/2 - Getting straight to business. CarSterio v. Rhodes Scholars. Hardcore wrestling fans love this decision. Casual fans are checking to see if the debate has started. Teaming with Rey has done so much for Sin Cara. That springboard moonshot onto Sandow was a beauty. Love Sandow's style in the ring. Also, his break-up of the referee's count was brilliant. Cross Rhodes finishes. Handshake Into Cartwheel Celebration! That could be the spot of the night. Something! (x2)
Segment 3 - Matches! Nothing but matches! Kofi Kingston beats Michael McGillicutty. Miz and his six stitches are working guest commentary. Miz is generously looking out for Ryback ahead of his big match Sunday, and wants to call off their meeting later tonight. What a sportsman. Miz' self-aggrandizing is nearing Kim Jong-il levels. Nothing.
Segment 4 - Cena. He has no match Sunday. He has no point. He has no purpose on in this segment. I'm starting to think that that worst thing happening to Ryback right now is Cena singing his praises. Punk and Heyman come out, but do (you guessed it) nothing.
Segment 5 - Last week, Antonio Cessaro survived Justin Gabriel's 450 in a victory. In the rematch tonight THE CLOSER gets it done. I'm confused. Nothing.
Segment 6 - A monster of a segment, and the developments are quick and plentiful. Mr. McMahon and A.J. Lee are in the ring. The visual is immediately creepy. She's accused of fraternizing with someone on the roster and RESIGNS AS RAW G.M. The WWE brass didn't pick up this tendency in the background check? A.J. gives a lovely farewell address. "You guys accepted me." That's the power of the fans. Never forget it. Enter Heyman, to undercut peace talks between New York and New Jersey. I love Vince's facial expressions, especially when people are kissing up to him. Heyman wants the G.M. job. Vince says no. In fact, there is no G.M. for now. Instead, there's a managing supervisor of Raw. BUREAUCRACY! Vickie Guerrero gets the gig! The most heinous structure in WWE is not Hell In A Cell. It's the revolving door. Heyman instantly flips from kissing up to Vince, to kissing up to Vickie. In return, she makes a CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION lumberjack match between Punk and Sheamus for tonight's main event. Heyman nearly faints from the overbooking. Vickie turns to A.J. and starts spilling the dirt on the alleged fraternizing. AFFAIR! With who?! A.J. goes after Vickie. CAT FIGHT! This segment should get triple credit, but that would make things too complicated for me when dealing with the awful segments we get every week. Suffice it to say, SOMETHING!
Segment 7 - Ryback beats The Miz. Nothing.
Segment 8 - Eve is running down the possible A.J. affair suspects. "Primo of all people." Is nothing sacred in the WWE locker room? Kaitlyn sets Eve straight by tossing her into the snack table. Layla fails as peacekeeper. Sheamus peddles a stuffed toy. Nothing.
DVR paused while I make a quick run to McDonald's. I ask the drive-thru worker if they still have the Rolo McFlurry. She says yes. I order two. I even see my order correct on the screen. I receive two Oreo McFlurry. WTF?
Segment 9/10 - Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler. Fans say, "This is awesome!". Dolph connects with a Super X-Factor from the top rope. Kane starts a "Yes!" chant at the worst possible time and Ziggler gets the win. A fine match, but in the grand scheme...nothing.
Segment 11 - The Newly Tagged Game. This is your 10PM segment, and I do not have high hopes. Bryan's skills at turning total crap into entertainment is astonishing. Kane takes the absurdity to new levels, falsely confessing his love for puppies and rainbows. Rhodes Scholars refuse to take part in this. Thank God. "You're welcome" -Damien Sandow, who once again commits character suicide by wearing a t-shirt. Nothing.
Segment 12 - Big Show beats Kane with the KO Punch. Rhodes Scholars jump Bryan while Kane is knocked out. Sensible story telling! Backstage, Santino metaphorically jobs to Cena. Turns out Cena's the one A.J. allegedly had the affair with. Cena says it was just a BUSINESS DINNER! They hug. Crowd buzzes. Too soon? Something.
Segment 13 - Cena confronts Vince, who says there's INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE! Del Rio v. Ryder is FF cityyyyyyyy. Post-match, Cena drops in on Vickie's office. John is cramming a TON of investigation into an hour of television. The actions of a desperate man? Cena metaphorically jobs to Vickie in this backstage confrontation. Something!
Segment 14 - Dolph on A.J., "I always thought she was a good egg." Otherwise, your weekly worthless segment of nothing during the 10PM hour.
10:41PM - Even with the McDonald's run, I am caught up and WE ARE LIVE!
Segment 15/16 - CM Punk v. Sheamus in a champion vs. champion largest lumberjack match in Raw history. Big Show interferes. Hell, just about everyone interferes, but Big Show's interference is actually effective. Punk wins. Nothing.
"SOMETHING" TO "NOTHING" RATIO: 5:10 (Last Week - 8:7)
The match for the WWE Championship at Hell In A Cell remains intact. It's CM Punk vs. Ryback. It's Punk's 300+ day reign as champion vs. Ryback's undefeated streak. It's WWE's problem now, and all we have to do is watch.
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