In what may be a regular column, the author uses his DVR to condense WWE Raw into an efficient, digestible television program. Segments are graded simply, as "nothing" or "something". The more "something", the better for all of us.
10:10 p.m. - Late start tonight. DVR ENGAGE!
Segment 1 - Big Show opens Raw. He's really good here, working himself into a lather over Sheamus, and tweets from fans. "None of you are Irish! Don't tweet me 'Fella'!" I am baffled, until he calls out Daniel Bryan. The viewer is then subjected to potentially the most pointless, unnecessary, heat-killing backstage segment in history. Somehow Bryan makes it work, presumably because he's awesome. Something!
Segment 2 - Big Show choke slams Daniel Bryan for the win. Kane saves his partner from further damage. Then, they argue. Crowd is crazy for just about all of this. Something!
Segment 3 - It's nothing but all-stars at the top of Raw tonight. Paul Heyman and CM Punk tease the audience, but reveal nothing. Vince McMahon enters to make the bait and switch official. HIAC opponent will be announced at the end of the show. Nothing.
Segment 4 - Alberto Del Rio without his entrance. What's the point? Match against Brodus Clay is FF city. Backstage, Punk asks Heyman who Vince McMahon thinks he is. Paul replies, "He thinks he's Vince McMahon." Fact! Nothing.
Segment 5 - Prime Time Players beat CoBro. Post-match attack by EnCorre! Or is it The Band? Heath Slater dubs himself, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre "3MB". Jinder's turban and leather jacket combo is better than anyone expected. Nothing.
Segment 6 - Dolph Ziggler. David Otunga...for some reason. Here's Ryback to kill them both. Dolph wisely leaves. Otunga...for THAT reason. Nothing.
Segment 7 - "Antonio Cessaro doesn't need United States of America. United States of America need Antonio Cessaro." Swoon. JR coins the term "zebra manipulation". Antonio somehow survives Justin Gabriel's 450, and kills him dead with Super Euro Uppercut and THE NEUTRALIZER! Last week, I FF'd. This week, I couldn't. You've won my heart, Antonio Cessaro. This is the U.S. Title reign you've all been begging for. Something!
Segment 8 - Kane eviscerates Matt Striker. Then, he conducts a post-match interview with Striker's unconscious body. You win, Big Red. Something!
Segment 9 - Miz TV with Korporate Kofi. Miz is really good here running down Kingston. Secondary champions! Something!
Segment 10/11 - Sheamus v. Wade Barrett: The Rematch. Barrett's awesome spot with the steel steps from last week is countered this week by Sheamus. Barrett jaws at JR at the announce position. Ross is out of his coma and gushing over Barrett the rest of the way, "You talk about being in destroy mode. He's there." DQ finish is no big deal. These two guys were made for one another. Get them on PPV ASAP! Something!
Segment 12 - Eve v. Layla. FF cityyyyyy. Nothing but pretty girls.
Segment 13 - Your weekly zero action segment. Nothing.
Segment 14 - 3MB hit the town in Nashville. Rhodes Scholars beat Primo and Epico because Rey Mysterio is ill. Nothing.
Segment 15 - Kofi and Miz have a pretty good match that ends in a thunderous Trouble In Paradise that appeared to legitimately knock out The Miz. Absolutely clobbered. Sucks for Miz, but crowd loved the finish. Something!
Segment 16 - Punk and Vince in the same ring are magical. John Cena tries to ruin the main event segment, but fails. Vince chooses Ryback. Something!
12:12 a.m. - DVR viewing COMPLETE!
"SOMETHING" TO "NOTHING" RATIO: 8:7
Certainly felt like one of the more eventful episodes of Raw in some time, but you have to be a bit concerned about the string of worthless segments in the third hour. This Raw had a different feel. Not sure if it's just me, or the result of the creative shake-up that made news last week.
No comments:
Post a Comment