Me, My DVR & Raw (11/5/12)

In what may be a regular column, the author uses his DVR to condense WWE Raw into an efficient, digestible television program. Segments are graded simply, as "nothing" or "something". The more "something", the better for all of us.

8:41PM - DVR ENGAGE!

Segment 1 - First, it must be said. What in the blue hell is up with this voice-over guy? Am I watching a special two-part episode of "A-Team"? I declare this DUMB. Somehow, they also sneak in a backstage segment in which, out of the blue, The Miz quits Team Punk. I guess that technically makes this Something! We are not off to a good start. Opening match is CarSterio & R-Truth v. Antonio Cesaro & Prime Time Players. Truth translating "get got" into various foreign languages makes for a solid Tout.

Segment 2 - Sin Cara not looking very crisp tonight. Meanwhile, Titus O'Neil looks great. R-Truth debuts a suplex into a stunner that looked cool. He pins Cesaro, presumably to set up a U.S. Title match at Survivor Series. Looks like the hostilities between the tag teams aren't over either. Story lines are advancing, so I must declare this segment Something!

Segment 3 - The King returns next Monday. You can hate on WWE for promoting it, but television is a business, November is probably the most crucial month for ratings and Lawler's return is something viewers will want to see. We are now into the weekly 8:30 p.m. "Monday Night Football Killer" segment. Here's Vicki to discuss the Cena/AJ SCANDAL. "Hanky panky is not allowed." Here's John Cena. This is a good time to point out that Raw is in Birmingham, England tonight. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" -England.  Vicki unveils new surveillance video! It probably wouldn't stand up in court, but fans already decided last week that Cena's guilty, so this whole exercise is pretty pointless. England hates Cena, but they love AJ. She shows up on the tron to threaten Vicki. Dolph slides in to hit on her. Cena scurries away, once again metaphorically jobbing to Vicki. Evil laugh for the win! It was busy, but in the end this was Nothing.

Segment 4 - England loves Wade Barrett. He joins Team Punk, telling Heyman, "You owe me, and I want that in writing." Pretty vague for a binding contract, I think. Something! Daniel Bryan gets probably the loudest ovation of the night for his entrance. This man is WWE's top star. Too bad he's stuck in a tag team with no end in sight. There's a short match with Cody Rhodes, which Rhodes wins with a little interference from Damien Sandow. That was...brief. Cody's gimmick continues to be that he is a complete moron, because he accidentally makes a match for his tag team partner...

Segment 5 - Kane vs. Damien Sandow. Bryan and Rhodes get ejected. Kane eviscerates Sandow. Pretty lame week for Team Friendship. Nothing.

Segment 6 - Time to explain yourself, Brad Maddox. I appreciate him coming out in street clothes. I was worried he'd still be in a referee's shirt. Maddox does a very good job here on the microphone. There are plenty of guys with a lot more experience who've blown similar opportunities. Maddox did not blow his shot here. In fact, he was pretty damn good. He says he wasn't working for Punk and Heyman when he screwed Ryback. He really wants to be a WWE superstar. He worked so hard for a developmental contract. "You can't wrestle!" -England. Jerks. Maddox was told he'd never make it, but he wouldn't quit and became a referee. He knew he just needed one chance to make an impact. Now, he's famous. Can't argue with any of this. I like the direction WWE took this, and as I said, Maddox did a real good job. He says he wants a contract and a match with Ryback. He then caps things off with the potentially embryonic catchphrase, "Thank youuuuu." Vince McMahon comes out. Says he thinks Maddox is lying. He also says he'll give him a $1 million contract if he beats Ryback next week. Enter Vicki. Vince second guesses just about every decision she's made as Interim Managing General Whatever. Is he rebooking Survivor Series on the fly? We're now getting CM Punk vs. Ryback vs. (whisper) John Cena for the WWE Championship. "Disarray" is the word Cole chooses to describe all this. I think that's pretty accurate. Something!

Segment 7/8 - The Miz gets a decent showing against Sheamus, but eventually is beaten by the Brogue Kick. Big Show's guest commentary was a pleasant distraction, as he threatened to punch out Cole and gave a lesson on big man/little man psychology in professional wrestling. Backstage, the Survivor Series heel team is rebranded Team Ziggler, and the WWE Champion is seen for the first time tonight. It's 9:30 p.m. Vince makes Punk/Dolph vs. Cena/Ryback for tonight's main event. A little Nothing (for Segment 7), a little Something! (for Segment 8)

Segment 9 - Fandangoo? Alrighty. Nothing.

Segment 10 - Divas. FF cityyyyyyyy. Nothing but pretty girls.

9:53PM - WE ARE LIVE!

Segment 11 - Kofi vs. Del Rio. Orton distracts. Kofi rolls up ADR for the win. RKO after the match...just for fun. Nothing.

Segment 12 - Team CoBro vs. Primo & Epico. Cobra. Done. Nothing.

Segment 13 - Brodus Clay vs. Wade Barrett. KILL WADE! KILL! Souvenir. Swoon. Nothing.

Segment 14 - Time for 3MB, but Drew McIntyre is nowhere to be seen. Jinder Mahal is COMMITTED to the turban and leather combo, and I thank him for that. Slater uses the Impaler DDT to beat Jey Uso. It's dubbed the Smash Hit. "Thank you Birmingham!!!" Nothing.

Segment 15 - Punk talks. 351 days if you still care. Nothing.

Segment 16 - Main event time. Cena gets kicked around for a while. Finally tags Ryback, and it's DONE. Punk is pinned. England loves this. Cena and Ryback stare down to end the show. Guess who the crowd chooses? Nothing.

"SOMETHING" TO "NOTHING" RATIO: 5:11

Tonight's Raw is a perfect example of what's been going wrong since it expanded to three hours. No, it's not the three hours. It's the complete lack of eventful content past around the midway point of the show. I know WWE wants to hook people early, but what's the point if there's NOTHING worth staying for? Why invite people to eat at your restaurant if the food you're serving is terrible? Why work so hard to get viewers to tune in early if you're not going to put anything interesting on the show? Raw is a mess. There's very little happening to keep me interested, and sitting through this program (even with the benefit of DVR) is becoming laborious.

Me, My DVR & Raw (10/22/12)

In what may be a regular column, the author uses his DVR to condense WWE Raw into an efficient, digestible television program. Segments are graded simply, as "nothing" or "something". The more "something", the better for all of us.

Welcome to the last Raw before Hell In A Cell, a pay per view I think would be more accurately referred to as, "How Will WWE Get Itself Out Of This One?"

8:28PM - DVR ENGAGE!

Segment 1/2 - Getting straight to business. CarSterio v. Rhodes Scholars. Hardcore wrestling fans love this decision. Casual fans are checking to see if the debate has started. Teaming with Rey has done so much for Sin Cara. That springboard moonshot onto Sandow was a beauty. Love Sandow's style in the ring. Also, his break-up of the referee's count was brilliant. Cross Rhodes finishes. Handshake Into Cartwheel Celebration! That could be the spot of the night. Something! (x2)

Segment 3 - Matches! Nothing but matches! Kofi Kingston beats Michael McGillicutty. Miz and his six stitches are working guest commentary. Miz is generously looking out for Ryback ahead of his big match Sunday, and wants to call off their meeting later tonight. What a sportsman. Miz' self-aggrandizing is nearing Kim Jong-il levels. Nothing.

Segment 4 - Cena. He has no match Sunday. He has no point. He has no purpose on in this segment. I'm starting to think that that worst thing happening to Ryback right now is Cena singing his praises. Punk and Heyman come out, but do (you guessed it) nothing.

Segment 5 - Last week, Antonio Cessaro survived Justin Gabriel's 450 in a victory. In the rematch tonight THE CLOSER gets it done. I'm confused. Nothing.

Segment 6 - A monster of a segment, and the developments are quick and plentiful. Mr. McMahon and A.J. Lee are in the ring. The visual is immediately creepy. She's accused of fraternizing with someone on the roster and RESIGNS AS RAW G.M. The WWE brass didn't pick up this tendency in the background check? A.J. gives a lovely farewell address. "You guys accepted me." That's the power of the fans. Never forget it. Enter Heyman, to undercut peace talks between New York and New Jersey. I love Vince's facial expressions, especially when people are kissing up to him. Heyman wants the G.M. job. Vince says no. In fact, there is no G.M. for now. Instead, there's a managing supervisor of Raw. BUREAUCRACY! Vickie Guerrero gets the gig! The most heinous structure in WWE is not Hell In A Cell. It's the revolving door. Heyman instantly flips from kissing up to Vince, to kissing up to Vickie. In return, she makes a CHAMPION VS. CHAMPION lumberjack match between Punk and Sheamus for tonight's main event. Heyman nearly faints from the overbooking. Vickie turns to A.J. and starts spilling the dirt on the alleged fraternizing. AFFAIR! With who?! A.J. goes after Vickie. CAT FIGHT! This segment should get triple credit, but that would make things too complicated for me when dealing with the awful segments we get every week. Suffice it to say, SOMETHING!

Segment 7 - Ryback beats The Miz. Nothing.

Segment 8 - Eve is running down the possible A.J. affair suspects. "Primo of all people." Is nothing sacred in the WWE locker room? Kaitlyn sets Eve straight by tossing her into the snack table. Layla fails as peacekeeper. Sheamus peddles a stuffed toy. Nothing.

DVR paused while I make a quick run to McDonald's. I ask the drive-thru worker if they still have the Rolo McFlurry. She says yes. I order two. I even see my order correct on the screen. I receive two Oreo McFlurry. WTF?

Segment 9/10 - Daniel Bryan v. Dolph Ziggler. Fans say, "This is awesome!". Dolph connects with a Super X-Factor from the top rope. Kane starts a "Yes!" chant at the worst possible time and Ziggler gets the win. A fine match, but in the grand scheme...nothing.

Segment 11 - The Newly Tagged Game. This is your 10PM segment, and I do not have high hopes. Bryan's skills at turning total crap into entertainment is astonishing. Kane takes the absurdity to new levels, falsely confessing his love for puppies and rainbows. Rhodes Scholars refuse to take part in this. Thank God. "You're welcome" -Damien Sandow, who once again commits character suicide by wearing a t-shirt. Nothing.

Segment 12 - Big Show beats Kane with the KO Punch. Rhodes Scholars jump Bryan while Kane is knocked out. Sensible story telling! Backstage, Santino metaphorically jobs to Cena. Turns out Cena's the one A.J. allegedly had the affair with. Cena says it was just a BUSINESS DINNER! They hug. Crowd buzzes. Too soon? Something.

Segment 13 - Cena confronts Vince, who says there's INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE! Del Rio v. Ryder is FF cityyyyyyyy. Post-match, Cena drops in on Vickie's office. John is cramming a TON of investigation into an hour of television. The actions of a desperate man? Cena metaphorically jobs to Vickie in this backstage confrontation. Something!

Segment 14 - Dolph on A.J., "I always thought she was a good egg." Otherwise, your weekly worthless segment of nothing during the 10PM hour.

10:41PM - Even with the McDonald's run, I am caught up and WE ARE LIVE!

Segment 15/16 - CM Punk v. Sheamus in a champion vs. champion largest lumberjack match in Raw history. Big Show interferes. Hell, just about everyone interferes, but Big Show's interference is actually effective. Punk wins. Nothing.

"SOMETHING" TO "NOTHING" RATIO: 5:10 (Last Week - 8:7)

The match for the WWE Championship at Hell In A Cell remains intact. It's CM Punk vs. Ryback. It's Punk's 300+ day reign as champion vs. Ryback's undefeated streak. It's WWE's problem now, and all we have to do is watch.