In what may be a regular column, the author uses his DVR to condense WWE Raw into an efficient, digestible television program. Segments are graded simply, as "nothing" or "something". The more "something", the better for all of us.
8:41PM - DVR ENGAGE!
Segment 1 - First, it must be said. What in the blue hell is up with this voice-over guy? Am I watching a special two-part episode of "A-Team"? I declare this DUMB. Somehow, they also sneak in a backstage segment in which, out of the blue, The Miz quits Team Punk. I guess that technically makes this Something! We are not off to a good start. Opening match is CarSterio & R-Truth v. Antonio Cesaro & Prime Time Players. Truth translating "get got" into various foreign languages makes for a solid Tout.
Segment 2 - Sin Cara not looking very crisp tonight. Meanwhile, Titus O'Neil looks great. R-Truth debuts a suplex into a stunner that looked cool. He pins Cesaro, presumably to set up a U.S. Title match at Survivor Series. Looks like the hostilities between the tag teams aren't over either. Story lines are advancing, so I must declare this segment Something!
Segment 3 - The King returns next Monday. You can hate on WWE for promoting it, but television is a business, November is probably the most crucial month for ratings and Lawler's return is something viewers will want to see. We are now into the weekly 8:30 p.m. "Monday Night Football Killer" segment. Here's Vicki to discuss the Cena/AJ SCANDAL. "Hanky panky is not allowed." Here's John Cena. This is a good time to point out that Raw is in Birmingham, England tonight. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" -England. Vicki unveils new surveillance video! It probably wouldn't stand up in court, but fans already decided last week that Cena's guilty, so this whole exercise is pretty pointless. England hates Cena, but they love AJ. She shows up on the tron to threaten Vicki. Dolph slides in to hit on her. Cena scurries away, once again metaphorically jobbing to Vicki. Evil laugh for the win! It was busy, but in the end this was Nothing.
Segment 4 - England loves Wade Barrett. He joins Team Punk, telling Heyman, "You owe me, and I want that in writing." Pretty vague for a binding contract, I think. Something! Daniel Bryan gets probably the loudest ovation of the night for his entrance. This man is WWE's top star. Too bad he's stuck in a tag team with no end in sight. There's a short match with Cody Rhodes, which Rhodes wins with a little interference from Damien Sandow. That was...brief. Cody's gimmick continues to be that he is a complete moron, because he accidentally makes a match for his tag team partner...
Segment 5 - Kane vs. Damien Sandow. Bryan and Rhodes get ejected. Kane eviscerates Sandow. Pretty lame week for Team Friendship. Nothing.
Segment 6 - Time to explain yourself, Brad Maddox. I appreciate him coming out in street clothes. I was worried he'd still be in a referee's shirt. Maddox does a very good job here on the microphone. There are plenty of guys with a lot more experience who've blown similar opportunities. Maddox did not blow his shot here. In fact, he was pretty damn good. He says he wasn't working for Punk and Heyman when he screwed Ryback. He really wants to be a WWE superstar. He worked so hard for a developmental contract. "You can't wrestle!" -England. Jerks. Maddox was told he'd never make it, but he wouldn't quit and became a referee. He knew he just needed one chance to make an impact. Now, he's famous. Can't argue with any of this. I like the direction WWE took this, and as I said, Maddox did a real good job. He says he wants a contract and a match with Ryback. He then caps things off with the potentially embryonic catchphrase, "Thank youuuuu." Vince McMahon comes out. Says he thinks Maddox is lying. He also says he'll give him a $1 million contract if he beats Ryback next week. Enter Vicki. Vince second guesses just about every decision she's made as Interim Managing General Whatever. Is he rebooking Survivor Series on the fly? We're now getting CM Punk vs. Ryback vs. (whisper) John Cena for the WWE Championship. "Disarray" is the word Cole chooses to describe all this. I think that's pretty accurate. Something!
Segment 7/8 - The Miz gets a decent showing against Sheamus, but eventually is beaten by the Brogue Kick. Big Show's guest commentary was a pleasant distraction, as he threatened to punch out Cole and gave a lesson on big man/little man psychology in professional wrestling. Backstage, the Survivor Series heel team is rebranded Team Ziggler, and the WWE Champion is seen for the first time tonight. It's 9:30 p.m. Vince makes Punk/Dolph vs. Cena/Ryback for tonight's main event. A little Nothing (for Segment 7), a little Something! (for Segment 8)
Segment 9 - Fandangoo? Alrighty. Nothing.
Segment 10 - Divas. FF cityyyyyyyy. Nothing but pretty girls.
9:53PM - WE ARE LIVE!
Segment 11 - Kofi vs. Del Rio. Orton distracts. Kofi rolls up ADR for the win. RKO after the match...just for fun. Nothing.
Segment 12 - Team CoBro vs. Primo & Epico. Cobra. Done. Nothing.
Segment 13 - Brodus Clay vs. Wade Barrett. KILL WADE! KILL! Souvenir. Swoon. Nothing.
Segment 14 - Time for 3MB, but Drew McIntyre is nowhere to be seen. Jinder Mahal is COMMITTED to the turban and leather combo, and I thank him for that. Slater uses the Impaler DDT to beat Jey Uso. It's dubbed the Smash Hit. "Thank you Birmingham!!!" Nothing.
Segment 15 - Punk talks. 351 days if you still care. Nothing.
Segment 16 - Main event time. Cena gets kicked around for a while. Finally tags Ryback, and it's DONE. Punk is pinned. England loves this. Cena and Ryback stare down to end the show. Guess who the crowd chooses? Nothing.
"SOMETHING" TO "NOTHING" RATIO: 5:11
Tonight's Raw is a perfect example of what's been going wrong since it expanded to three hours. No, it's not the three hours. It's the complete lack of eventful content past around the midway point of the show. I know WWE wants to hook people early, but what's the point if there's NOTHING worth staying for? Why invite people to eat at your restaurant if the food you're serving is terrible? Why work so hard to get viewers to tune in early if you're not going to put anything interesting on the show? Raw is a mess. There's very little happening to keep me interested, and sitting through this program (even with the benefit of DVR) is becoming laborious.
